A Progressive Paraphrase of the meeting in Matthew 10
As usual, Jesus would sit down and teach his disciples about the mission and vision he had for them. So on a bright sunny day, Jesus sat down to teach.
However, the process for each meeting was becoming pretty complicated because, after every survey, his disciples came up with more ideas on how to improve their experience. For example, logs were very hard to sit on, so during the last meeting, Jesus snapped his fingers and POOF, stadium seating appeared, with cup holders even.
As Jesus hurriedly made preparations for the meeting today, He noticed the sun was shining, so he snapped his fingers and POOF, the clouds came and dimmed the bright light. Realizing that most of his disciples didn’t like the heat, except James of course, Jesus decided to cause a cool breeze to come. After all, majority opinion rules ya know. But after all that, something was still bothering Jesus, and then he noticed it. The place was just a tad dull. So just like last time, Jesus snapped his fingers, and POOF, he colored the rocks. But, to increase the pleasing look of this setting, he made each rock change color. Jesus knew his disciples would appreciate his effort in sheperding their comfort.
It was time for the meeting. This was going to be a tough meeting. Typically Jesus would teach from an annual list of subjects from the survey, but today, God the father had directed Jesus to give the disciples a specific message. And Jesus was pretty nervous about it because it wasn’t something that would make them happy and he didn’t know if any of the disciples would leave him.
Each disciple sat down in their usual seats. Jesus was ready to start the meeting but noticed a few of his disciples were still getting coffee. And yes, Jesus had provided that two years ago for the meetings due to popular demand.
Just as Jesus was about to speak, he realized Judas Matthew and Philip were giving him unhappy looks. And then Jesus remembered that he forgot the music. So Jesus snapped his fingers and POOF, four angels dressed in the latest robe styles, started singing their seven random Jesus-like words. They sang this over and over and over. But the disciples were happy because it was a catchy tune.
Well, now was the time. Jesus had an important message from God the Father he needed to tell the disciples. Jesus looked at the disciples then he looked at the piece of paper his father had given him. Beginning to sweat even more, he wondered how could he tell his disciples this terrible news? Pausing for what seemed like hours, he looked at the paper in his hand and back at the disciples. Back and forth he struggled to say the words written.
Just then, Jesus came up with a great idea. As long as it looked like he was reading his father’s words, the disciples would not know the difference. After all, it was a direct revelation and his disciples didn’t have a bible to reference.
Jesus then said to his disciples; “When you go out into the communities, make sure you help everyone you can. I’m going to give you all the power to do anything you can think of. Remember it’s important to fit in, so don’t do anything to upset the people you are with. Remember, love is all you need.
And with that, Jesus put the paper in his pocket, and ended the meeting. As each disciple left, he gave them a neckless with a wooden cross on it as a gift for coming. Because Jesus told them, that they would have to bear the cross. He knew the gift would help them have good vibes from the service.
#satire #progressivechristianity #progressives
What the Bible actually says:
10 And he called to him his twelve disciples and gave them authority over unclean spirits, to cast them out, and to heal every disease and every affliction. 2 The names of the twelve apostles are these: first, Simon, who is called Peter, and Andrew his brother; James the son of Zebedee, and John his brother; 3 Philip and Bartholomew; Thomas and Matthew the tax collector; James the son of Alphaeus, and Thaddaeus;[a] 4 Simon the Zealot,[b] and Judas Iscariot, who betrayed him.
Jesus Sends Out the Twelve Apostles
5 These twelve Jesus sent out, instructing them, “Go nowhere among the Gentiles and enter no town of the Samaritans, 6 but go rather to the lost sheep of the house of Israel. 7 And proclaim as you go, saying, ‘The kingdom of heaven is at hand.’[c] 8 Heal the sick, raise the dead, cleanse lepers,[d] cast out demons. You received without paying; give without pay. 9 Acquire no gold or silver or copper for your belts, 10 no bag for your journey, or two tunics[e] or sandals or a staff, for the laborer deserves his food. 11 And whatever town or village you enter, find out who is worthy in it and stay there until you depart. 12 As you enter the house, greet it. 13 And if the house is worthy, let your peace come upon it, but if it is not worthy, let your peace return to you. 14 And if anyone will not receive you or listen to your words, shake off the dust from your feet when you leave that house or town. 15 Truly, I say to you, it will be more bearable on the day of judgment for the land of Sodom and Gomorrah than for that town.
Persecution Will Come
16 “Behold, I am sending you out as sheep in the midst of wolves, so be wise as serpents and innocent as doves. 17 Beware of men, for they will deliver you over to courts and flog you in their synagogues, 18 and you will be dragged before governors and kings for my sake, to bear witness before them and the Gentiles. 19 When they deliver you over, do not be anxious how you are to speak or what you are to say, for what you are to say will be given to you in that hour. 20 For it is not you who speak, but the Spirit of your Father speaking through you. 21 Brother will deliver brother over to death, and the father his child, and children will rise against parents and have them put to death, 22 and you will be hated by all for my name’s sake. But the one who endures to the end will be saved. 23 When they persecute you in one town, flee to the next, for truly, I say to you, you will not have gone through all the towns of Israel before the Son of Man comes.
24 “A disciple is not above his teacher, nor a servant[f] above his master. 25 It is enough for the disciple to be like his teacher, and the servant like his master. If they have called the master of the house Beelzebul, how much more will they malign[g] those of his household.
Have No Fear
26 “So have no fear of them, for nothing is covered that will not be revealed, or hidden that will not be known. 27 What I tell you in the dark, say in the light, and what you hear whispered, proclaim on the housetops. 28 And do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather fear him who can destroy both soul and body in hell.[h] 29 Are not two sparrows sold for a penny?[i] And not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father. 30 But even the hairs of your head are all numbered. 31 Fear not, therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows. 32 So everyone who acknowledges me before men, I also will acknowledge before my Father who is in heaven, 33 but whoever denies me before men, I also will deny before my Father who is in heaven.
Not Peace, but a Sword
34 “Do not think that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I have not come to bring peace, but a sword. 35 For I have come to set a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law. 36 And a person’s enemies will be those of his own household. 37 Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. 38 And whoever does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. 39 Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.
40 “Whoever receives you receives me, and whoever receives me receives him who sent me. 41 The one who receives a prophet because he is a prophet will receive a prophet’s reward, and the one who receives a righteous person because he is a righteous person will receive a righteous person’s reward. 42 And whoever gives one of these little ones even a cup of cold water because he is a disciple, truly, I say to you, he will by no means lose his reward.”
About the author: Steven Davis is an over cooked preacher’s kid, musician, former social worker and media producer.